Allyson Howell

Category: Writing

  • On Dreams & Finding Yourself

    Today, I took the first step in fulfilling a dream that I’ve had for many, many years. For the last two days, I was able to work through the Lilias Trotter collection at Wheaton College. If you’ve been around me long, you know that this artist-turned-missionary captured my interest. So much so, I even have one of her sketches tattooed on my arm. 

    My pursuit of this dream was not for lack of encouragement. It was for lack of self-worth. Over the last couple of years, my whole life flipped upside down. Those changes were a mess of good and bad, heartbreak and healing, joy and sorrow. 

    By God’s grace, I married a man who, when I said I no longer felt like myself, did not only offer a word of encouragement, but was insistent that we sacrifice our time, money, and energy to send me on this trip. 

    I’ve always desired and dreamed to grow this interest, to learn as much and write as much as I can about Lilias. I believe that the way she saw the gospel in the simplicities of Creation and the tenacity with which she served as a missionary in Algeria have much to teach us today.

    For two days, I held Lilias Trotter’s journals and paintings in my hands, studied and analyzed her words, and let my dreams have the fuel they are so desperate to receive.

    I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I know I have an unwavering call to write about and study Lilias Trotter. As a mentor once told me, if you have a subject that won’t let go of you, that’s a good sign you should pick up and write. 

    These two days balanced invigoration and exhaustion, and by God’s grace this will only be the beginning. More and more as I seek to obey what the Lord has called me to do, I am confident I will feel more and more like myself. Because who are we but God’s children, molded and shaped by His perfect and guiding hand, created to create and loved to love?

    All I know, for now, is how thankful I am for Randy and for the Lord’s kindness to provide this opportunity that I might know and love him more as I study the life of Isabella Lilias Trotter.

    “For a portion of the Spirit

    Hiding somewhere in my heart

    I gave thanks to God, beseeching

    That he never might depart

    Be ye filled with the Spirit

    Do I dream or do I wake

    What I craved in smallest measure

    Boulders I am charged to take”

    – Lilias Trotter, 1893 journal, page 82

  • A Palm Sunday Poem

    A Palm Sunday Poem

    Even the weeds

    are lovely

    if you stop and

    take a knee

    Look close to see

    Understand

    Not a nuisance

    Not a bore

    But a semblance

    Of before

    A tiny courier

    of spring

    A song of accolades

    They sing

    A crown befitting of

    The King

  • World Down Syndrome Day: A Day In The Life of Amanda

    World Down Syndrome Day: A Day In The Life of Amanda

    Every March 21, on World Down Syndrome Day, I look for ways to talk about my sister and the beautiful life she has. This year is special because I actually live with Amanda for a temporary season. I wanted to let Amanda be the one to show who she is and what her life looks like on a daily basis.

    Journaling is one of Amanda’s favorite things to do. This corner, in what we lovingly call the “extra room,” is where Amanda writes stories, draws pictures, and exercises the Image of God in her creativity. Many of her journals revolve around dream vacations, celebrities, and activities she would want to do with her family. She starts every morning here and does her journaling throughout the day. If you’re lucky enough to receive something she wrote or drew for you, it was done with love and thoughtfulness I am sure.

    In “her” chair, with her favorite shirt, and with her pup. This big and comfy chair is designated by Amanda as “hers” and she will watch a movie in the chair every night she can. The girl loves her movies. She has celebrity birthdays memorized, knows if they have kids or not, and can sing every word to every Cheetah girls and High School Musical song in existence. She loves a good t-shirt, especially if she can represent her favorite things. Amanda loves her Walter (and Tucker, and Nova, and Maya), but she loves all dogs so deeply. If you have a dog, you’ll be her friend. But your dog will be her best friend.

    Our dancing queen. She has been part of a dance group for several years now, and she takes it very seriously. Every day, right after lunch, she plays her Cheetah girls songs and practices her solo dance. Amanda’s got the moves. In a crowd, she’s sometimes timid and unsure, but when her dancing starts, she’s more confident than ever.

    Beauty. Her smile wrinkles, her happy grin, her perfect curls, her precious freckles, those hazel eyes. Beyond her sweet and lovely face, she radiates a beauty unlike any other. It is a beauty that comes from her Maker. God shaped and fashioned her exactly as he wished. Her love for others, sensitive spirit, and curiosity are evidence of God himself. She is fun, sweet, goofy, and sometimes stubborn (more a badge of honor for our family than anything else). We love Amanda, and anyone who knows her would say the same.

    Today, I encourage all who would read this to cherish those with Down Syndrome with all the love and value every human life deserves. Amanda, and anyone else like her, is a treasure, not an inconvenience, a person of dignity, not of devaluing.

    I give praise to God for the creativity and uniqueness he gives to every human, and today especially all the beauty and grace in the lives of those with Down Syndrome.

  • Gasping

    Catch your breath

    on the wind —

    Let heaven fill your lungs

    with hope —

    not fear.

    And form your lips

    to the shape of praise —

    Broken and bleeding,

    torn by the air

    but still singing.

    Poem written 4/12/20 & Photo taken 6/14/22

  • Down Syndrome Awareness Month: About Amanda

    October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month, and if you know me, you know why I care about this month.

    Because if you know me, you know Amanda.

    Over the next few weeks, I will share stories, encouragements, and exhortations fueled by my love and care for those with Down Syndrome. Before I start that, though, I want to give you the why.

    My sister, Amanda, is three years younger than me, and she has Down Syndrome. Through my forthcoming posts, I’ll weave her in often because any knowledge, passion, or experience I have related to Down Syndrome is entirely because of her existence.

    Today, I just want to tell you about her, primarily because she’s awesome. If you ever get the chance, you should be her friend.

    First, Amanda has the best laugh in the world. She will start with a higher pitched giggle if she thinks you’re amusing. But then, if the circumstances are extra funny, her laugh will evolve into an uncontrollable cackle. Her whole body is involved when you really get her going, and it is a joy to watch her laugh.

    She also enjoys the most simple things in life. Coloring books, writing stories in journals, reading fiction, watching movies (especially ones with superheroes), music, Starbucks, pizza, cheeseburgers, and ice cream. She isn’t difficult to please, and when you do any of these things with her, she won’t forget it.

    Amanda loves people. I mean really loves them. If you are nice or take an interest in her, she will be a most loyal friend. Every time I talk to her, she asks how my friends are doing, and eventually they become her friends too. Do you need a friend who will always be excited to see you? Amanda is your girl.

    She is the most consistently encouraging person that I know. Every time I take a trip, post an article, or share anything on social media, Amanda is there to tell me that she likes the picture, my trip looked so cool, or that I did great writing an article. She will tell you how cute your baby is, how beautiful she thinks you are, and how everything you do is awesome! Boundless and consistent encouragement – no one I know is better at it!

    I could spend all day telling you all the reasons she’s wonderful, so I’ll cut myself off for now.

    The most important thing you need to know about Amanda, though, is this:

    She is a child of God, a daughter of the Most High, created in His image.

    She is a person, and that makes her worthy of love.

    This is what her name means, and this is who she is.

    Amanda is worthy of love.

  • Feelings: Apathy

    Below zero sits a heart

    Beating

    Lungs breathing

    A corpse

    Living

    Sun nor rain

    Can wake the slumber

  • Micro-Poem Monday: Tears

    Tears conceived in loss

    Born in pain

    Hot they strike

    Lukewarm they stagger

    Then cold

    Only to become

    An emblem worn

    On the chest

    Heavy but valiant

  • A Poem for Juneteenth

    Courage to stand and speak truth

    To power that has the power to speak lies

    Lies within a heart of love for neighbor over self

     

    All those who speak have God’s image

    And God with the most power

    Speaks truth to those he calls his neighbors

    To those he died for

     

    So we speak like a man with a dream

    Not one that passes when we

    Rub the sleep out of our eyes

    But one eternal dream

     

    A never-fading, always real dream

    That all men are created equal

    Not by man’s spoken word

    But by God’s*

     

    This day sings a freedom song

    Muted by ears not hearing

    Let us see and hear

    The forgotten song

     

    Broken are the chains

    Though hearts still remain

    Unbroken, unable to love,

    Unwilling to sing

     

    Closer now we stand to abolition

    Of division and opression

    If we sing with amplification

    “God heal us!”

     

    *This poem includes additional stanzas added for Juneteenth. It was originally published for MLK Day, 2020 at For The Church. You can read the original here.

  • Micro Poem Monday: Rain

    In the moment before rain writes

    its story on the pavement —

    Tension, tight with yearning in the

    air

    Like a friend with a secret to

    share.

    A breeze, a breath,

    Colder than before, yet somehow warm.

    And then — release.

    Tears of truth wet the ground

    beneath.

  • Micro Poem Monday: Standing

    X marks the spot

    Where we stand

    Apart.

    Our hearts drowned with grief

    Yearning for buried treasure,

    For arms crisscrossed around bodies,

    Not to suffocate

    But to grant a sigh of relief.

    We long to feel it

    But for now we stand.